Mês: junho 2016

Next Time

Next time

I will do not cross our eyes, will not ask where they are from and I wont get interested about ages.I will do my job and I will ignore all voices around. I will skip conversations, not share smiles or tears and much less secrets. Feelings never ever! Yes, next time.

Next time I will not ask about family or how was the day. I will not want to know if are they happy or sad or if they need anything. Also, I will not offer my help anymore. No. Next time I will be alone and wont look to the sides.

Next time

I will not accept the invitation for pizza or mojitos. I will not be until the early hours laughing and neither will have dinner at the chinese restaurant, to eat whatever it is. Next time there will be no high heels to become more beautiful, nor will I make new plans, because I wont make new friends.

I will do not bother anybody with joy and not ask for any advice. I won’t ‘give myself’ to anyone or give any space. No entry, fragile heart. Next time I will keep save emotions and feelings.

Next time

Yes. I will be like this and also an empty person. If I had avoided all of these things in the beggining, I would not have shared the laughter nor the craziness. Wouldn’t have lived their twenties with the ideal maturity of my thirty. Yes. I would have missed the hugs and the ‘good mornings eyes’. Fifteen hours at work sustained by good mood because there were friends.

I wouldn’t be feeling what am I feeling at this moment, the mixture of love and ‘saudades’- missing. I would not have the exchange of thoughts and languages. I wouldn’t even be able to write this text, because there would be no words to share, since there would be no feelings.

When it arrives to thirty you think you have control over everything and it will no longer suffer. Friends? Going away? Vacation? C’mon! This does not affect me anymore.

I wish…

The ‘punches in the stomach of the goodbye’ worth when we know that there will be a new hello. Sooner or later. At their border or mine. The circle of life. Because memories are forever. It becomes art, books, short stories at the dinner table. The pleasures of our days, whatever the age is. I do not want to avoid life, I pay the price. I am grateful to be able to “feel”.

Then, its better to say: hasta mañana, hasta la vista, ci veddiamo, até logo, see you later. Next time.

Leave and let us Live

Leave.

I have heared this word a lot for those past months. I have used it a lot to miself as well.

To leave London; To leave my home; To leave my job.

UK leaving EU.

Yesterday I slept being part of EU. Today I woke up out. They are out.

If you asked me how am I feeling I will say: “Im fine. I dont care, there is a lot of other countrys to live, if I had to leave here. Also, I know, I can always come back to my home.”

But if you come closer, look deep into my eyes and wait one second, you are gonna hear my real feeling:

“Im sad. Im feeling a stranger in someone’s land. Untill yesterday I fel I was part of here, I was allowed to cross the street. Today, when I got the news, I fel completely distant. More foreign and immigrant than ever.”

As I asked a friend at work if he wasnt feeling anything different and he said the same: “There is something inside that is not right.”

I know. But we had to go to work and live our day.

I dont feel bad because of me, because Im living her, however, for the rest of the world. The most people who have voted ‘yes’ to leave, did it because is against immigration. I really understant that but, which country has no immigration? Could not the govermment to control in a better way?

What upset me the most is to see what humans are becoming. People voted against the others one. They dont tolerate us, they dont tolerate themself. In mid 21 century, we are living the most individualistic moment. After all the world has been through, we continue to choose thinking about ourselfs only and not as a nation.

Many of these people, who voted, have no idea about what is happening, they just dont want strangers inside their houses. They are not worry about economic or even politic. They just wanted to leave. How is gonna be tomorrow? They seem not to care.

But why do that…Live and let us live.

For one second I wanted to leave as well. I wanted to go home. To go back to Italy or to Brazil, to my parentes lap. I wanted to leave, because I didnt want to be in a place where I know Im not welcome. Its true that they dont even look at to us and may not paying attention in anything. But this energy around has no explanation. The smile of who won and the tear of who is now afraid of the future.

To vote was easy. To face the reality now its gonna be the point. Im watching for outside, as I dont feel part anymore. Lunch time at the restaurant, looking around the customers and thinking: Did they vote? Yes or not? What they think about it? They are sick of us, but they love our products and food. They want all the power, but they are leaving all behind.

I cant deny the feeling of being living this here, in London. One day, my kids, perhaps, will ask me how was this 24 of June 2016. I will say that was sad and huge. I dont want to think about the future now, as it may not change my life at all. We may have two years ahed to see what is goona happen. Not even the politicians knows. But today it did change. I fel small. Sitting in front of St Paul Cathedral, I did a pray asking for better days. And If this decision happened then, I hope it doesnt affect us in a bad way more than we are all have been affected by many others bad situations.

Oh London, just when everything was making sense…And I cant even blame you.

Menawhile our lives continue and I just need a new next day.

Circle of Month

I believe that when we are in our period, woman of course, more than blood we put out all kinds of feelings. I believe that “comes down” anger, sadness, bad lovers, frustrations. Maybe that is why it hurts so much. Colic, an open internal wound.

It should not be so painful and hard to put out what remains within us. In all senses. So I believe that nature gives us, women, every month, a chance to remake, a new start with everything clean. So, I thought about everything that bothered me and hurted me in those last days and I send away along with everything that my body will not use more.

As I have done during these almost 10 months away from home.

I heard all kind of things- bad and good- and I have seen a lot as well. But I sent all away in my few days of renewal.

It hurts. It hurts everywhere inside and outside of me. But closing circle hurts. To Restart. But is the pain of all new again. And this month, in particular, more than send away what bothers me, I open myself to the new circle that will come. I’m ready. Im in love. I want to.

I looked in the mirror at the end of a working day and saw my eyes lighten as if to cry. Not this time. This time I saw what its about to come, because it’s all in my hands.

Until next month when it is renewed again.

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