Since when get back home is synonymous of sadness?
Its not that Im sad, Im just confused, don’t feel ready to go back. Feeling like ten years ago, when I didn’t want to go back and I did…And I regreted. The difference is that, today, I chose, I paid, I have the supposed control. But the feeling is the same.You miss your home so badly, you need to touch those you love, you need to see your walls but…You dont want to. Not now. Few months ago yes, not now. Why?
I didn’t expect this year to be so fast. I have put myself into so many situations that I didn’t even realised the time. The ticket fligh on my hands and Im just afraid to board. Even though is a return ticket, I can do as I like it but still. How are the streets? My other city? The voices, the houses, the sounds? Im shivering.
Already feeling the punch on my stomach of have to say good bye, again, to them. To London. Crossing the ocean, first time, was dificult and painful. Hope its easier this time. Over a year. Fourteen months and still feeling like it was yesterday.
Once I get there I Know I will feel good. Im Sick of this restaurant immigrant life, Yes Im. I need a break. I need to breath some known air, I need my dogs and my niece laugh! But its like Im loosing Something and Im gonna miss so much. Who Knows What may happens. London, What have you done to me!
I dont want to leave all these behind. All these days, all these feelings. Just because I feel home, finally. Just because everything seems to be going well. Ok, not perfectly well but, its so confortable. Ah! Confortable. Its bad to move this “confortable’ anywhere we are, hã? Yes. I know. I feel like Im going to break a chain And lose the control of the situation here. The people, job opportunities, everything. But its a bullshit because, what kind of control do we have in life?
We believe we have but, honestly, none.
Things may change. It will, actually, like it does everyday. Like in a chess game, pieces moving and changing ways. Dices are rolling constantly but, out of my hands, far from my eyes. How can I hold it if I will be away. I wish I could freeze this moment. Dont think. Dont face it. Dont!
Everytime you choose something, you lose something else. And I dont have choice, because this is me. I chose be part of the world and not only “one place”. I will be always leaving something behind, crossing the ocean, borders. For now, I mean. That such freedom. It scared many times.
My relief is that London will be here. This won’t change at all. It will be exactly in this position of the Earth, cold, grey, crowd and crazy. With all these theatres and this lovely Regent Park, where Im sitting now, with tears in my eyes, trying to understand my mind.
Sadness and happiness walks together. One is part of the other. Like Romeo and Juliet. Love and hate. This is what is going on here. A woman who knows what she wants and what she needs to do. Sadly, this may not be the same thing, all the time. But when we learn it, it gots better, in some how. That is the biggest difference between me and the girl from ten years ago. She cried and I grew.
“Are you ok, sweetie?”
Can I just not answer for now…Just feeling.