Categoria: Diário (Página 2 de 10)

The butterflies

It’s hard to deal with all those butterflies in the stomach. It is strange to live this mixture of joy and fear. Some moments I think I’m ready and safe, others just one look and one request and I change everything again.

After long 15 months- which easily were like 5 intense years- I can say that I exceeded expectations that were not in the ‘luggage’. Some will come with me, for they have become good lessons worthy of sharing with the world. Others, I threw it around the corner. Gone with the wind. Recycled. It made me lighter.

On the last day of work in the restaurant- 10 hours shift- I did not feel pain or tiredness. I missed it already. I missed the repeated songs we never got tired of and the little snacks we used to have hidden in the kitchen. The moments Of cigarette leaks – who smokes- and smiles disguising a problem. Our tricks to escape the heavy and the confidence between each other to be less tiring. And how this routine changed my life.

Observing, I remembered what slipped through my hands and what I simply gave up. How it hurt to deal with consequences of own choices and, at the same time, how satisfying it was. My passion for autumn became even greater, but winter showed me a side that I did not need to know. The excess cold saddens and ages. I need light. I need colors.

I found myself fat, before the mirror, and then thinner. Now I’ve grown fat again. But I’ve always seen a woman. Something I could not see before. I criticized myself and admired myself. I faced my frailties. The human frailties we all have. As we need attention, we are devoid of voices, of presence, of care. This kind of independence, “leave me alone ‘cause I know how to live alone”, is not that simple, no matter how old you are. We know how, of course we do. But it is not always nice. In my case, I discovered that is almost never. Although I did very well on the mission.

In this emptiness of emotion and search for comfort, I surrendered myself. When I surrendered, I fell in love. I’m not sure what I got back, but it made me feel good. Still do. I made friends for a lifetime. I  felt too old and too young. Courageous and the owner of the world. Tracing new paths, but willing to stay. Not to leave. Just a look. Just a request.

Hard to leave now. Hard to break and “lose”. Afraid to let change one more time. Joy mixed with sadness. The bags. Everything that fits and what will remain. Physical and emotional. Something always stays, to make us come back. And even if that’s true, crossing the ocean is not light. It seems we are crossing Narnia and its enchanted world. More or less, by the way. I will leave the cold of the Queen’s land for my São Paulo. Another mayor. Summer. No car. Not that bad. Married friends, kids, a few who have also changed places. A country trying to recover from politics and disasters. It’s mine. But I think I’ve forgotten the streets. And the feeling of belonging to ‘the space’ I think I lost. Or it’s stored in some corner of the chest.

I grew up. Oh, I did! I learned how to save money and go straight through the shop windows. Buying only the necessary (almost nothing, I realized that we can live with much less). I traveled! Because that’s the best money spent! I had lap and hugs from friends and I missed my parents, a need of them that is almost childish. And I’m already 30 (yes, I ignore the other ‘one’)! And when you survived such a feeling…Yes, you grow!

When I least expected it, I adapted. Today, I call home what once seemed a punishment. And it’s not just London, it’s the inside. I’m at home, because I’m fine with myself. The more European I feel, the more Latin I realize that I am. This blood and heat from the veins will not change. There is no citizenship that changes who you are and where you come from. The magic is you know how to adapt, see the good and allow yourself to live intensely. Being an immigrant is not easy, dealing with differences and having to face cultural barriers even less. But life demands change, it is more than our yard. My need was more and I respected the inner request. It passed quickly. Look at Christmas and I, here again. But now I know who I am and where I am. Glad we changed. Worth it.

In this second I cannot wait to get in Brazil. But the butterflies do not leave me unharmed. I do not know if I want to pack, maybe just board. Let life happen. As it will be. Just one thought as I write: 7 days. One week. And everything will be new again. For a month, two, until I come back and here, start over. But then, it will be another season.

London, you look beautiful and I love when you look at me like that.

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So far, so close

Do not look at me like that and do not make that face ‘half-corner look’. Your smile makes me want to change everything. I was so excited to tell my news and share certain things with whom we trust and care is simply priceless.

Through confused feelings, something came to balance. The dreamed ‘yes’, after countless ‘no’. I started writing articles for an online magazine, Blasting News UK, as a freelancer. I took another step. I got the first British ‘Yes’!

“As long as it’s in English, you can write from whatever you are and about whatever you want.”

So said the person in charge. I will be paid according to the amount of views. But who is worried about money, when will the name be printed online in an international magazine?

Happiness. Even more. Excitement. And to share this with the world did well to the heart, that sought a way to dribble what will come in less than a month.

The closer to the day of the trip, the more I want to leave. If I could, I would go tomorrow. Running away, hidden, like rats in culverts, leaving everything behind. All this so I do not have to face what I already know.

But at the same time, the further away London gets from me, the more I want to stay. Put off everything and come back. Or even not going. I’m still here and Im already missing an inexplicable lack. I did not even get there yet and Im already feeling what it will be when I come back.

Carpe Diem, Amanda!

Live the moment. Breath.

London and ‘her’ way in disguise, shy of making me love ‘her’.

On my day off, so many things I could do, I stay, usually, around 3h in the restaurant where I work during the whole week. Sitting. Watching. Creating. Feeling. I should hate this place but no. I stop there, as a rule, to get closer to those who makes me feel good. To leave a little more of me and take a lot more of them.

Despite all the madness I’m very grateful.

Yes, I should walk out the back doors and pretend that none of this is happening. But on the contrary, I ask for more days around, in full. Intense Aquarian that suffers when cutting the evil by the root. And she likes it all at once, like ripping the band aid from the wound. Do not take too long! Come on and do it! Do not scream! Face it! Then…Well, then we keep living.

One month.

So close but with many things yet to happen. So far, to the point that I cannot wait any longer. Do not give too much time to an Aquarian, he changes everything without blinking. It turns the new inside out again.

Cold town. I do not want to leave this relationship. I will take all of this with me and leave a page of the book here because it will be the continuation of the story.

Did I mention that our laughter changes everything?


Happy One Year Anniversary, London!

Happy One Year Anniversary of the longest and intense relationship that I have had on these 31 years of life. ‘Happy’ all the tears, the laughter, moments of renunciation and return.
‘Happy’ every grey day, silent day and discredited; ‘Happy’ every hugh day, angels in our ways and crooked love, bitter, marked.

Happy one year, London! We survived together and separate. Survived the clashes, the errors, the countless ‘No’ and stubbornness. We loved and we hated each other; We held hands and we parted.
You let me go then, very wise, because you were sure that I would return. You dropped my hand without fear, saved my world and my secrets.

You did not promise more heat and flowers, as this is not possible. But made me understand your way of life and the time. The time of the sky, the time of Big Ben.

A year is a little when it comes to you. A year is too much when it comes to visceral relationships. I do not spare heart and emotion so, I bet my body open and I followed. You drived me crazy and still does it- with your traffic and noise (not tired of repeating this). But you got me with these ‘doors’ open of the world, the mixed stories, multi languages and laughter.

One year of you and with you. And I thought I would run in a month. Today I do not run anymore. Today Im the one who say: I can even go, but I’ll be back. I should not be so honesty because when we declare too much, lovers tends to be cruel. But, my ideology does not allow me to lie. And share love is an obligation and satisfaction.

I do not know, anymore, what I learned and what I have lost. What you took from me and what you added. I know what I am today, and sometimes, it seems the same as yesterday. People will say. And your buildings already know.

If my future relationships got half of we got, it will be a profit. Thank you for not letting me go.



Feliz Aniversário de Um Ano, Londres!

Feliz Aniversário de um ano do relacionamento mais longo e intenso que já tive nesses meus 31 anos de vida. ‘Feliz’ todas as lágrimas, as gargalhadas, os momentos de desistência e os de retorno.
‘Feliz’ cada dia cinza, calado, desacreditado; ‘Feliz’ cada dia de abraço, de anjos em nossos caminhos e de amor torto, amargo, marcado.

Feliz um ano, Londres. Nós sobrevivemos juntas e separadas. Sobrevivemos aos desencontros, aos erros, aos ‘Nãos’ e ás teimosias. Nos amamos, nos odiamos, demos as mãos e nos separamos.
Você deixou-me ir pois, muito sábia, tinha certeza de que eu voltaria. Soltou minha mão sem medo, guardou meu mundo e os meus segredos.

Não prometeu mais calor e flores, pois isso não é possível. Mas fez-me compreender esse tempo. O tempo do céu, o tempo do Big Ben.

Um ano é pouco, quando se trata de você. Um ano é muito quando se fala em relacionamentos viscerais. Eu, que não poupo coração e emoção, apostei meu corpo aberto e segui.
Você enlouqueceu-me e, ainda enlouquece, com seu transito e barulho ( não canso de repetir isso). Mas ganha-me nas portas abertas, nas histórias misturadas, multi idiomas e risadas.

Um ano de você, com você. E eu que pensei que correria em um mês. Hoje não corro mais. Hoje sou eu que digo: Posso até ir, mas eu volto. Não deveria ser tão sincera assim, quando nos declaramos demais, o amante tende a ser cruel. Mas minha ideologia não permite mentir. E compartilhar amor é uma obrigação e uma satisfação.

Já não sei mais o que aprendi e o que perdi. O que você levou de mim e o que acrescentou. Sei o que sou hoje e, ás vezes, parece que a mesma de ontem. As pessoas dirão. E seus prédios já sabem.

Se meus relacionamentos futuros forem metade da nossa relação, será um lucro. Obrigada por não deixar-me fugir.



What I want not what I need

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Lucky Six

Six. My number. My lucky. My light. My Saint.

The number of those who guides me e protect me. The number of my prosperity. He crossed the ocean with me and made me free of all dangerous and bad energy. He Listened to me and pulled me out of sadness when I cried.

 When I asked for an aswer, he put this door in front of me with his number. The proof that it was for me. That he listen to me. That everything is on my way as it should be. Now I can feel.

One year and two months away from Brazil. Four different houses. The third in London. My legs never transited around that much. My luggages? Heroinas! But this time Im moving in to a place that I chose. A place that I wanted. A place that I call “mine”. In somehow, its mine.

After looking for so long. London have never been that big before. I have seen different streets, faces, prices. I fell homeless when I was feeling at home! But everything comes at the time, right? Yes and because I wanted to stay, it came.

I stopped thinking about ‘going back’, I stopped thinking about ‘how is it going to be tomorrow’, I just stopped. I decided to live the present for the first time. Enjoy this place, this moment, these days, no matter for how long.

I faced your thorns, London. Now I have your relief.  All new once and again. I feel light. I feel good. I feel save. While I want. This is freedom.

Number 6. Where I know all the good things will happen. As the song say: “Today is where your book begins the rest still unwritten!”

And there’s nothing that I like more than a blank page! Pen’s are ready for my new 6. For my new season.

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Back Home

When I left Brazil, a year ago, I had the feeling that part of my heart was staying there. Maybe the full heart. In the beginning of this adventure I fell myself lost, I was much more in South America than in Europe. I thought I would neve feel home here, in this side of the ocean.

People used to say that “home” is where your heart is. Well, if its so, my home is Brisbane-in Australia- and Rio de Janeiro, the two only places in the world that makes me feel confortable, no matter what. But this is just a “saying”, not a rule. The true is that my heart wasn’t here at all.

As time goes by you start to belong to the city, in somehow. You create a life, a routine and you start to feel yourself more. Physically, as well. It happened to me.

I left London for summer holidays, went to Spain and Portugal, and talking with a friend about this I said: “Now I dont feel that my heart is in Brazil anymore, “he” is pretty much here, not necessarily in London, he is just here, loose in the world. “

That is how I feel today. So my friend answered me:
“Its better like this, right? It means you can live anywhere. Your home might be everywhere!”

Perhaps he is right. Perhaps is just a feeling that may dissapear or, perhaps my heart finally crossed the ocean. Finally. And because he did I feel complete.

I missed you London. I missed you everyday. I missed the voices of my friends around me, I missed the woman Im when Im here, I missed all your museums and theatres. I just missed. Yes, you are already getting me crazy but, I need to give you a chance because I need to give a chance for me to live you better.

I was lost, but we only know that we love when we leave…Cliche? Of course, but which reality isn’t it?

My heart call you home and ran after you quickly. I dont know for how long, but for now you are my home. You are where my heart is. And Im fine. Im back home.

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Mãedrasta – Feliz de Mim



Ela é virginiana e eu sou aquariana.

Ela me ensinou a fazer planilha de viagem e a guardar dinheiro.
Já me viu chegar em casa depois de alguns-muitos-copos de vodka e guardou o silêncio.
Já me viu, também, chorar por causa de namorado, me deu colo e conselhos.
Ela me enche de presentes e carinho.
Dividimos todos os chocolates e segredos.
Conhece meus humores e meus limites.
Tolera minhas chatices.
E sabe o que me faz sorrir.
Fala as verdades na lata, mesmo que eu não goste, para que eu me machuque menos.
Segura minhas loucuras, mesmo que de longe. Não ignora um grito meu.
Eu vi escorrer lágrimas em seus olhos quando eu saí de casa.
Eu senti a verdade em suas palavras.
Espero que sinta nas minhas.
Isso é amor. Somos família.

Hoje, no seu dia, o presente é meu. Das escritas tortas da vida, que bom que você nos escolheu!

Happy One Year!

All the butterflies inside your belly, the nervous shaking your body anx your heart.
How you tried to skip their eyes so they couldnt see you cry.
All the word from those you love , the red eyes for crying a lot and the goodbye;
The expected days, the anxiety for freedom and the sunset in the most beautiful landscape?
And all the good wines…
When you felt fear, you looked back wishing to go back home;
The awake nights, changed days and tears at dawn.
The thorns, the cold and the darkness.
How many tickets flight you bought mentally just to relieve the pain and to say to yourself: I can go back whenever I want.
But, every sunrise looking out the window you used to say: I decided to stay one more day.
When you felt ungrounded, felt homeless, comfortless…But not without friends.
When loneliness made you write and leave. When the sadness go away everytime you listened: “Im here.”
How terrible you felt when you served a plate and cleaned the floor?
But you felt the richest woman when you laid in the garden in front of the Royal Palace.
When the offense hurt but you magnified; When the distance cried but made you stronger. When the longing and love joined for you.
When “Home” was there and, now, is already here.
The passport in your hands, your money in your banck account and your achieved independence.
The achievements and discoveries; the woman who you were and the one who the mirror reveals today.
All the laughs, the parties, the hughs…
Who would say that. Remember?
Happy one year of adult life around the world!
Yes, I remember. Thank you!

Feliz 1 ano!

Das borboletas no estomago
Do nervoso no corpo e a tremedeira do coração;
Como tentou desviar seu olhar para que eles não a vissem chorar;
Das palavras daqueles que você ama, dos olhos vermelhos e do adeus.
Dos dias contados, a ansiedade pela liberdade e do Por do sol em uma das paisagens mais lindas;
E dos melhores vinhos…
Quando sentiu medo, olhou para trás e quis voltar;
Das noites em claro, dos dias trocados e madrugadas a chorar.
Dos espinhos, do frio e do escuro.
Quantas passagens aéreas compradas mentalmente para aliviar a dor e dizer para você mesma: eu volto quando eu quiser.
Mas a cada nascer do sol, olhava pela janela e dizia: decidi ficar mais um dia.
Quando sentiu-se sem chão, sem casa, sem colo…Mas não sem amigos.
Quando a solidão lhe fez escrever e sair;quando a tristeza ia embora a cada vez que escutava: “estou aqui.”
Quando sentiu-se a ultima pessoa do mundo ao servir pratos e limpar chão. Mas sentiu-se a mulher mais rica quando deitou no jardim de frente ao palácio da rainha.
Quando a ofensa doeu, mas engrandeceu; quando a distancia chorou, mas fortaleceu; quando a saudades e o amor uniram-se por você.
Quando o “lar” ainda era lá e, hoje, já esta do lado de cá.
Do passaporte na mão, o seu dinheiro em conta e a independência alcançada.
Das conquistas e descobertas, da mulher que era e a que hoje o espelho revela.
Das risadas, das festas, dos abraços…
Quem diria. Lembra?
Feliz um ano de vida adulta pelo mundo!
Sim, eu lembro. Obrigada!


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