Tag: BackHome

15 months later…

It took me longer than I would like to put into words the feeling of 15 months later.

It will be difficult to speak of the different because the same is still here.

We still discuss the same things, in the same intonations and the same speeches. We use the same arguments for solutions and the same complaints. Now we believe more in God and in the spiritual, but also, we are tired of the same old ‘sameness’. Contradictory? No, just the same days of our lives. But dont worry, we still love each other.

The city is sadder- still noisy and crazy- but at least this year won a Christmas tree in the main park. You know, we citizens deserve a little hope, and these lights make us feel good. I’m glad the Mayor had thought about it this year. However, of course, none of this erases the current moment of our country. We are all – and I mean EVERYONE – in the same boat and the same crisis. My Brazil is down. I hope I can make him smile a little.

December continues to be the month that swallows us between Christmas and New Year. Emotions jump out of you, like clothes falling out of the suitcase. They seem to try to escape. And they jump like that, all at once, in despair. And when you realize you say what you should not, listen to what you did not want to, and smile at the end. Yeah, few things time really do not change it.

I have not yet met all the friends I would like, although I have declared myself to each one. I still have not eaten everything I wanted but my bed hugged me like if I was still a child. My room, thanks God, remains the best place in the world. And my dogs? Ah! Dear Ones! These do make me feel at home every day! Dogs never forget you.

The heat has not changed, either! Too hot, but I do not complain, because the Queen’s land is too cold and here the Latin skin recognizes itself a little bit more. Welcome home, Amanda! 40 C!

The streets are the same, but the security’s hair is different. He is more modern, I like it! I recognized good ways and saw new restaurants around. The chats of some friends are very mature: they talk about marriage and school for their children. Fear! But there are still those with whom we drink wine and laugh at our delicious lack of maturity when we remember a few months back.

I love my diversity.

I must confess I expected changes. I was hoping for some evolution, perhaps. But the truth is that the biggest change is me. So much remains the same or indifferent because Im looking from another side. Not in the bad sense. But I grew up. Like a giant. I know this place will always be mine. Parent’s house is untouchable, including the bedroom. But internally there is anything that does not fit.

I got off those conversations. I got off the streets. I got off the couch. I do not know anything else about what’s on TV or about the new songs. It’s my house but, at the same time, its just one more place in Earth. And that’s fine. It is light to know that this refuge will always be here for me. Family feelings. Comfort. Love.

15 months really got me out of the place. And really made me a new person.
I hope they understand if I fail to meet certain expectations and joys. If, on a case, I smile less and prefer to isolate myself. But it is that meet my expectations is already too difficult. And staying at home, doing nothing, sometimes, is all what I want and need.

Back Home

When I left Brazil, a year ago, I had the feeling that part of my heart was staying there. Maybe the full heart. In the beginning of this adventure I fell myself lost, I was much more in South America than in Europe. I thought I would neve feel home here, in this side of the ocean.

People used to say that “home” is where your heart is. Well, if its so, my home is Brisbane-in Australia- and Rio de Janeiro, the two only places in the world that makes me feel confortable, no matter what. But this is just a “saying”, not a rule. The true is that my heart wasn’t here at all.

As time goes by you start to belong to the city, in somehow. You create a life, a routine and you start to feel yourself more. Physically, as well. It happened to me.

I left London for summer holidays, went to Spain and Portugal, and talking with a friend about this I said: “Now I dont feel that my heart is in Brazil anymore, “he” is pretty much here, not necessarily in London, he is just here, loose in the world. “

That is how I feel today. So my friend answered me:
“Its better like this, right? It means you can live anywhere. Your home might be everywhere!”

Perhaps he is right. Perhaps is just a feeling that may dissapear or, perhaps my heart finally crossed the ocean. Finally. And because he did I feel complete.

I missed you London. I missed you everyday. I missed the voices of my friends around me, I missed the woman Im when Im here, I missed all your museums and theatres. I just missed. Yes, you are already getting me crazy but, I need to give you a chance because I need to give a chance for me to live you better.

I was lost, but we only know that we love when we leave…Cliche? Of course, but which reality isn’t it?

My heart call you home and ran after you quickly. I dont know for how long, but for now you are my home. You are where my heart is. And Im fine. Im back home.

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