Tag: Happiness (Página 1 de 2)

The best choice

“We need to be full in the present.”

It said my childhood’s best friend in her most difficult time of life: the loss of her father. She, more rational and calm than me, did not suspect how her words invaded my chest and woke me up for ‘my moment’. Across the ocean I cried like a child, I apologized for my absence, and I ‘killed’ all my problems there, at that second.

Nothing is as important as being alive. I wanted to take all the money I have left and go out into the world- more than I have already done. I wanted to go back to homeland (Brazil), the place where I know I will always have a space, and hugh her (my friend) infinitely. I wanted to call the man I’m in love with and declare all my feelings, not afraid of what I’d hear back. Smile the song of the birds and mourn for the lack of eternity on earth but be happy and live wisely.

Maybe I’ll do it all. Maybe not. I did. 25 days ago I landed in Brazil, by surprise to family and friends, in a delicious impulse, by the way. Being full in the present, not expecting the future and not holding me in money. Follow the cry of the heart. In fact, this time, follow the human tears.

The best choice of the last few months, I can assure you. I was never so sure of anything, like getting on the last-minute plane. Lock my room, turn my back, not knowing what was about to come. To land at home without planning, simply brought by the cry of  ‘help, I need somebody’.

I healed my homesickness in the arms of old friends, breathed the comfort of my family and found peace in front of the ocean. The tranquility healed my doubts and my eyes could see again. I danced the best memories at my best friend’s wedding and I cried as I listened: “Glad to have you here! Glad you came!”

Glad I came. The best choice is when we respect our feelings and, without fear, we act for our good. Whatever the consequences, knowing that everything is worth it, everything is experience. There is no mistake or guilt. There is learning.

25 days here at home or away. Or maybe it’s the other way around? I did not meet everyone I wanted, but I had what I needed. The freedom to be where I want when I need it. To have a place to take refuge in the hour of sadness, to know where to return. There’s a little bit of me in every corner of this world, and every corner wants to take me. And I follow, because we have to be full in the very present. Tomorrow will always come one way or another.

A melhor escolha

“Nós precisamos ser plenos no presente”.

Disse-me minha melhor amiga de infância em seu momento de vida mais difícil: a perda de seu pai. Ela, tão mais racional e tranquila do que eu, não desconfiava como suas palavras invadiam meu peito e me acordavam pro meu ‘momento’. Do outro lado do oceano eu chorei feito criança, pedi perdão pela minha ausência e matei todos os meus problemas ali, naquele instante.

Nada mais é tão importante quanto estar vivo. Eu tive vontade  de pegar todo o dinheiro que me resta e sair pelo mundo- mais ainda. Tive vontade de voltar para a Pátria, o lugar onde eu sei que sempre terei um espaço, e abraçá-la (minha amiga) infinitamente. Tive vontade de ligar para o homem por quem sou apaixonada e me declarar, sem medo do que escutaria. Sorrir o canto dos pássaros e lamentar a falta de eternidade na Terra porém, ser feliz e viver com sabedoria.

Talvez eu faça tudo isso. Talvez não. Eu fiz. Há 25 dias eu desembarquei no Brasil, de surpresa para a família e amigos, em um impulso delicioso, diga-se de passagem. Ser plena no presente, não esperar o futuro e nem me prender em dinheiro. Seguir o grito do coração. Na verdade, dessa vez, seguir as lágrimas humanas.

A melhor escolha dos últimos meses, posso garantir. Nunca tive tanta certeza de algo, como entrar no avião de última hora. Trancar meu quarto, virar as costas, sem saber o que estaria por vir. Pousar em casa- Pátria- sem planejamento, simplesmente trazida pelo grito de ‘socorro, eu quero colo’.

Curei minhas saudades nos braços dos amigos antigos, respirei o conforto da minha família e encontrei a paz de frente pro oceano. A tranquilidade curou minhas dúvidas e meus olhos voltaram a enxergar. Dancei as melhores lembranças no casamento do melhor amigo e chorei ao escutar: ” feliz por ter você aqui! Que bom que você veio.”

Que bom que eu vim. A melhor escolha é quando respeitamos nossos sentimentos e, sem medo, agimos a favor do nosso bem. Seja quais forem as consequências, saber que tudo vale, tudo é experiência. Não existe erro ou culpa. Existe aprendizado.

25 dias aqui em casa ou fora dela. Ou talvez seja o contrário. Eu não encontrei todas as pessoas que eu gostaria, mas tive o que eu precisava. A liberdade de estar onde eu quero quando eu precisar. Ter um lugar para se refugiar na hora da tristeza, saber pra onde voltar. Tem um pouco de mim em cada canto desse mundo, e cada canto quer me levar. E eu sigo, porque nós temos é que ser plenos no presente mesmo. O amanhã sempre virá de um jeito ou de outro.

 

The butterflies

It’s hard to deal with all those butterflies in the stomach. It is strange to live this mixture of joy and fear. Some moments I think I’m ready and safe, others just one look and one request and I change everything again.

After long 15 months- which easily were like 5 intense years- I can say that I exceeded expectations that were not in the ‘luggage’. Some will come with me, for they have become good lessons worthy of sharing with the world. Others, I threw it around the corner. Gone with the wind. Recycled. It made me lighter.

On the last day of work in the restaurant- 10 hours shift- I did not feel pain or tiredness. I missed it already. I missed the repeated songs we never got tired of and the little snacks we used to have hidden in the kitchen. The moments Of cigarette leaks – who smokes- and smiles disguising a problem. Our tricks to escape the heavy and the confidence between each other to be less tiring. And how this routine changed my life.

Observing, I remembered what slipped through my hands and what I simply gave up. How it hurt to deal with consequences of own choices and, at the same time, how satisfying it was. My passion for autumn became even greater, but winter showed me a side that I did not need to know. The excess cold saddens and ages. I need light. I need colors.

I found myself fat, before the mirror, and then thinner. Now I’ve grown fat again. But I’ve always seen a woman. Something I could not see before. I criticized myself and admired myself. I faced my frailties. The human frailties we all have. As we need attention, we are devoid of voices, of presence, of care. This kind of independence, “leave me alone ‘cause I know how to live alone”, is not that simple, no matter how old you are. We know how, of course we do. But it is not always nice. In my case, I discovered that is almost never. Although I did very well on the mission.

In this emptiness of emotion and search for comfort, I surrendered myself. When I surrendered, I fell in love. I’m not sure what I got back, but it made me feel good. Still do. I made friends for a lifetime. I  felt too old and too young. Courageous and the owner of the world. Tracing new paths, but willing to stay. Not to leave. Just a look. Just a request.

Hard to leave now. Hard to break and “lose”. Afraid to let change one more time. Joy mixed with sadness. The bags. Everything that fits and what will remain. Physical and emotional. Something always stays, to make us come back. And even if that’s true, crossing the ocean is not light. It seems we are crossing Narnia and its enchanted world. More or less, by the way. I will leave the cold of the Queen’s land for my São Paulo. Another mayor. Summer. No car. Not that bad. Married friends, kids, a few who have also changed places. A country trying to recover from politics and disasters. It’s mine. But I think I’ve forgotten the streets. And the feeling of belonging to ‘the space’ I think I lost. Or it’s stored in some corner of the chest.

I grew up. Oh, I did! I learned how to save money and go straight through the shop windows. Buying only the necessary (almost nothing, I realized that we can live with much less). I traveled! Because that’s the best money spent! I had lap and hugs from friends and I missed my parents, a need of them that is almost childish. And I’m already 30 (yes, I ignore the other ‘one’)! And when you survived such a feeling…Yes, you grow!

When I least expected it, I adapted. Today, I call home what once seemed a punishment. And it’s not just London, it’s the inside. I’m at home, because I’m fine with myself. The more European I feel, the more Latin I realize that I am. This blood and heat from the veins will not change. There is no citizenship that changes who you are and where you come from. The magic is you know how to adapt, see the good and allow yourself to live intensely. Being an immigrant is not easy, dealing with differences and having to face cultural barriers even less. But life demands change, it is more than our yard. My need was more and I respected the inner request. It passed quickly. Look at Christmas and I, here again. But now I know who I am and where I am. Glad we changed. Worth it.

In this second I cannot wait to get in Brazil. But the butterflies do not leave me unharmed. I do not know if I want to pack, maybe just board. Let life happen. As it will be. Just one thought as I write: 7 days. One week. And everything will be new again. For a month, two, until I come back and here, start over. But then, it will be another season.

London, you look beautiful and I love when you look at me like that.

Exibindo foto.JPG

So far, so close

Do not look at me like that and do not make that face ‘half-corner look’. Your smile makes me want to change everything. I was so excited to tell my news and share certain things with whom we trust and care is simply priceless.

Through confused feelings, something came to balance. The dreamed ‘yes’, after countless ‘no’. I started writing articles for an online magazine, Blasting News UK, as a freelancer. I took another step. I got the first British ‘Yes’!

“As long as it’s in English, you can write from whatever you are and about whatever you want.”

So said the person in charge. I will be paid according to the amount of views. But who is worried about money, when will the name be printed online in an international magazine?

Happiness. Even more. Excitement. And to share this with the world did well to the heart, that sought a way to dribble what will come in less than a month.

The closer to the day of the trip, the more I want to leave. If I could, I would go tomorrow. Running away, hidden, like rats in culverts, leaving everything behind. All this so I do not have to face what I already know.

But at the same time, the further away London gets from me, the more I want to stay. Put off everything and come back. Or even not going. I’m still here and Im already missing an inexplicable lack. I did not even get there yet and Im already feeling what it will be when I come back.

Carpe Diem, Amanda!

Live the moment. Breath.

London and ‘her’ way in disguise, shy of making me love ‘her’.

On my day off, so many things I could do, I stay, usually, around 3h in the restaurant where I work during the whole week. Sitting. Watching. Creating. Feeling. I should hate this place but no. I stop there, as a rule, to get closer to those who makes me feel good. To leave a little more of me and take a lot more of them.

Despite all the madness I’m very grateful.

Yes, I should walk out the back doors and pretend that none of this is happening. But on the contrary, I ask for more days around, in full. Intense Aquarian that suffers when cutting the evil by the root. And she likes it all at once, like ripping the band aid from the wound. Do not take too long! Come on and do it! Do not scream! Face it! Then…Well, then we keep living.

One month.

So close but with many things yet to happen. So far, to the point that I cannot wait any longer. Do not give too much time to an Aquarian, he changes everything without blinking. It turns the new inside out again.

Cold town. I do not want to leave this relationship. I will take all this with me and leave a page of the book here because it will be the continuation of the story.

Did I mention that our laughter changes everything?

🙂

Happy One Year Anniversary, London!

Happy One Year Anniversary of the longest and intense relationship that I have had on these 31 years of life. ‘Happy’ all the tears, the laughter, moments of renunciation and return.
‘Happy’ every grey day, silent day and discredited; ‘Happy’ every hugh day, angels in our ways and crooked love, bitter, marked.

Happy one year, London! We survived together and separate. Survived the clashes, the errors, the countless ‘No’ and stubbornness. We loved and we hated each other; We held hands and we parted.
You let me go then, very wise, because you were sure that I would return. You dropped my hand without fear, saved my world and my secrets.

You did not promise more heat and flowers, as this is not possible. But made me understand your way of life and the time. The time of the sky, the time of Big Ben.

A year is a little when it comes to you. A year is too much when it comes to visceral relationships. I do not spare heart and emotion so, I bet my body open and I followed. You drived me crazy and still does it- with your traffic and noise (not tired of repeating this). But you got me with these ‘doors’ open of the world, the mixed stories, multi languages and laughter.

One year of you and with you. And I thought I would run in a month. Today I do not run anymore. Today Im the one who say: I can even go, but I’ll be back. I should not be so honesty because when we declare too much, lovers tends to be cruel. But, my ideology does not allow me to lie. And share love is an obligation and satisfaction.

I do not know, anymore, what I learned and what I have lost. What you took from me and what you added. I know what I am today, and sometimes, it seems the same as yesterday. People will say. And your buildings already know.

If my future relationships got half of we got, it will be a profit. Thank you for not letting me go.

🙂

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Feliz Aniversário de Um Ano, Londres!

Feliz Aniversário de um ano do relacionamento mais longo e intenso que já tive nesses meus 31 anos de vida. ‘Feliz’ todas as lágrimas, as gargalhadas, os momentos de desistência e os de retorno.
‘Feliz’ cada dia cinza, calado, desacreditado; ‘Feliz’ cada dia de abraço, de anjos em nossos caminhos e de amor torto, amargo, marcado.

Feliz um ano, Londres. Nós sobrevivemos juntas e separadas. Sobrevivemos aos desencontros, aos erros, aos ‘Nãos’ e ás teimosias. Nos amamos, nos odiamos, demos as mãos e nos separamos.
Você deixou-me ir pois, muito sábia, tinha certeza de que eu voltaria. Soltou minha mão sem medo, guardou meu mundo e os meus segredos.

Não prometeu mais calor e flores, pois isso não é possível. Mas fez-me compreender esse tempo. O tempo do céu, o tempo do Big Ben.

Um ano é pouco, quando se trata de você. Um ano é muito quando se fala em relacionamentos viscerais. Eu, que não poupo coração e emoção, apostei meu corpo aberto e segui.
Você enlouqueceu-me e, ainda enlouquece, com seu transito e barulho ( não canso de repetir isso). Mas ganha-me nas portas abertas, nas histórias misturadas, multi idiomas e risadas.

Um ano de você, com você. E eu que pensei que correria em um mês. Hoje não corro mais. Hoje sou eu que digo: Posso até ir, mas eu volto. Não deveria ser tão sincera assim, quando nos declaramos demais, o amante tende a ser cruel. Mas minha ideologia não permite mentir. E compartilhar amor é uma obrigação e uma satisfação.

Já não sei mais o que aprendi e o que perdi. O que você levou de mim e o que acrescentou. Sei o que sou hoje e, ás vezes, parece que a mesma de ontem. As pessoas dirão. E seus prédios já sabem.

Se meus relacionamentos futuros forem metade da nossa relação, será um lucro. Obrigada por não deixar-me fugir.

🙂

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What I want not what I need

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To the Sea

A year ago I sat in front of you without a voice to describe what I was feeling. Your waves read my silence. I put my feet to kiss you, ask for your blessing and permission to cross you.

I cried because I knew how much would miss you. But I had to follow. I crossed  and I went to live in one of the most beautiful and colorful landscape- Firenze. Shortly after, I fell in the middle of buildings and noises-.London.

Between the cold and the flowers, I never wanted someone so much as I wanted you. I counted the days to the sun and for the summer. For the holidays and for the day I would ne free to go after you. If I need to quit or run out of money, no longer mattered. To run away was what I needed.

So we met. We smiled. My feet kissing your lips again. Feeling you as before. Tweenty days ago. The same ocean. The same Atlantic. A new woman, and this time, on this side. Eight thousand kilometers, what have you got to tell me these coldest and European waves.

I know. I know all that I wish and I pray to you. All I do not want and I throw into you. For your depths, all the tears that hurt and sorrow. For me, your salt that cleans. Your good energy. My God! As I needed!

It may sound corny and even ridiculous, but when you are in the cold and in the dark for months, meeting with the sea- which to me is life-becomes essential as the air we breathe.

Life. This is it. I needed to feel that I am. Alive.

Thank you. For allowing me to cross all those kilometers, thank you. For opening the way for me. For making me vibrate. It was just what I needed to be reborn. Sun and sea.

Here I say goodbye again. The same tears and the same desires. The miss but renewal. We see you soon, next summer. But over there, that side, where it all began.

To Portugal, for those beautiful days, all my love. And to the Sea all my respect and my heart.

With your blessing nothing is in vain.

Ao Mar

Há um ano eu sentava de frente para você sem voz para descrever o que sentia. Suas ondas leram meu silêncio. Coloquei meus pés para você beijar, pedi sua benção e licença para te atravessar.

Chorei, pois eu sabia a saudades que eu sentiria. Mas eu precisava seguir. Atravessei e fui morar em uma das paisagens mais lindas e coloridas- Firenze. Pouco depois, caí em meio a prédios e buzinas- Londres.

Entre o frio e as flores, nunca desejei tanto alguém, como desejei você. Contei os dias para o Sol e para o verão. Para as férias e o dia em que eu meu libertaria para ir ao seu encontro. Se eu precisaria pedir demissão ou ficar sem dinheiro, já não importava. Sair dali era o que eu precisava.

Então nos vimos. Sorrimos. Meus pés de encontro aos seus lábios, mais uma vez. Sentir você como antes. Há 2o dias nos reencontramos. O mesmo oceano. O mesmo Atlântico. Uma nova mulher e, dessa vez, do lado de cá. Oito mil kilometros, o que será que tens para me contar nessas ondas mais geladas e europeias.

Eu sei. Eu sei tudo o que eu desejo e peço à você. Tudo o que eu não quero e jogo para dentro de você. Para suas profundezas todas as lágrimas que machucam e tristezas. Para mim, seu sal que descarrega e lava. Suas boas energias. Meu Deus! Como eu precisava!

Pode parecer piegas e até ridículo, mas quando encontra-se no frio e no escuro por meses, o encontro com o mar- que para mim representa vida- torna-se essencial como o ar que se respira.

Vida. É isso. Precisava sentir que estou. Viva.

Obrigada. Por ter permitido que eu travessasse todos esses kilômetros, obrigada. Por ter aberto os caminhos para mim. Por me fazer vibrar. Era só o que eu precisava para renascer. Sol e Mar.

Aqui despeço-me mais uma vez. As mesmas lágrimas e os mesmos desejos. A saudades mas, a renovação. Nos veremos em breve, no próximo verão. Daquele lado de lá, onde tudo começou.

Á Portugal, pelos dias lindos, todo o meu amor. E ao Mar meu respeito e meu coração.

A sua benção e nada é em vão.

Life get more fun when we move

“Have you ever noticed that everything you want you always get it?”
So did say my therapist before I leave to Italy. It would be too much to agree with these words, but they are true. Not because ‘its me’ But because we all can get whatever we want.
When we believe The Universe show us the way and The signs. Whether at the “same hours” or The unexpected messages.
Everyone knows What kind of choice and pain has to deal with it. On this journey I was called spoiled, depressive and even child. Judging is easy, But sending me money or clean The floor for me no one did. I Know me and The tears in my friends eyes, as well as Their Lovely words, proved even more Who am I.
As I discovered myself, I realised that the one Who seems to Know you very well, do not Know that much; And that one you just met is The one who reached out his hand.
In those 11 months I regret not having stayed longer in Italy and also not coming back to my friend’s wedding. But I wouldn’t changed this experience in London for nothing. The City that has matured me in pain and love. Yes, London showed me a new love and therefore, ‘she’ will have me as longer as ‘she’ need.
Our differences of colors and tastes tortures us, I Know. But we Love each other and I will come back. Is just that, for this moment, I want Something that you Dont have: Sun.
Then, Im going to Love in Portuguese and Spanish for a while. Because I need, because I want to, because I Love and because life become more fun when we move.
Untill The next chapter.

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