“No tengas miedo…Todo va a ir bien!”
I “clung” to your words and, smiling, I threw myself off another cliff. Without seeing and knowing that what pushed me was myself. I created a thousand things to convince myself that moving city was the best option. Good actress that I am, I strongly believed in my own creations and jumped. Again. The third time.
Moving home, city is an internal mutilation and I have been mutilating myself for two years. Third language and I think my brain at some point, will ‘turn of’. It is too early to talk about joys and sorrows. At first sight everything is beautiful and seems eternal. Like love. The daily living togheter is what shows whether there is life there or not. This relationship, depending on it, can kill any feeling and different ways of love.
Madrid did so much that it “won” me. It played unfairly against London when it put its light and Sun on. So latin am I. I surrendered me easily and, not wanting to ruin my feelings for London, I preferred to leave. I mutilated myself. It seemed more sensible. I confess I didn’t know I would feel such a big impact.
I closed my eyes and my suitcases. I got what I needed and I let it go. I closed my heart and I got deaf to screams and advice. I did not want to see the tears and I did not let them run. I pretended tranquility when inwardly there was a whirl of emotion. I wished a thousand hugs and more, I wished that someone had made the decision for me because taking on certain responsibilities weigh twice my suitcases.
“But the girl-woman-likes change!”
Ah! I really like that. The gypsy’s side applauds and comes when everything turns gray and looks the same. The taste for the challenge, for everything new again, yet lazy. Feel in check and forced to reinvent.
What this woman -girl-does not know, yet, is to deal with the size of this wing she possesses. Clean up the mess of the room and soul without pain, no questions asked. Organize what is reality and illusion. Simply being and living. To accept that, all this, deep down, is what counts in her life. At this moment.
Todo va a ir bien…
Your words … Those that were so exact when I needed them, are my little daily mantra of good … And when it seems regretful, I will know that its only miss it!
As long as I want … Only while I want.
Hola Madrid… May it be light and have Peace.