Tag: Love (Página 1 de 3)

Todo va a ir bien ( Everything is gonna be all right)

“No tengas miedo…Todo va a ir bien!”

I “clung” to your words and, smiling, I threw myself off another cliff. Without seeing and knowing that what pushed me was myself. I created a thousand things to convince myself that moving city was the best option. Good actress that I am, I strongly believed in my own creations and jumped. Again. The third time.

Moving home, city is an internal mutilation and I have been mutilating myself for two years. Third language and I think my brain at some point, will ‘turn of’. It is too early to talk about joys and sorrows. At first sight everything is beautiful and seems eternal. Like love. The daily living togheter is what shows whether there is life there or not. This relationship, depending on it, can kill any feeling and different ways of love.

Madrid did so much that it “won” me. It played unfairly against London when it put its light and Sun on. So latin am I. I surrendered me easily and, not wanting to ruin my feelings for London, I preferred to leave. I mutilated myself. It seemed more sensible. I confess I didn’t know I would feel such a big impact.

I closed my eyes and my suitcases. I got what I needed and I let it go. I closed my heart and I got deaf to screams and advice. I did not want to see the tears and I did not let them run. I pretended tranquility when inwardly there was a whirl of emotion. I wished a thousand hugs and more, I wished that someone had made the decision for me because taking on certain responsibilities weigh twice my suitcases.

“But the girl-woman-likes change!”

Ah! I really like that. The gypsy’s side applauds and comes when everything turns gray and looks the same. The taste for the challenge, for everything new again, yet lazy. Feel in check and forced to reinvent.
What this woman -girl-does not know, yet, is to deal with the size of this wing she possesses. Clean up the mess of the room and soul without pain, no questions asked. Organize what is reality and illusion. Simply being and living. To accept that, all this, deep down, is what counts in her life. At this moment.

Todo va a ir bien…

Your words … Those that were so exact when I needed them, are my little daily mantra of good … And when it seems regretful, I will know that its only miss it!

As long as I want … Only while I want.

Hola Madrid… May it be light and have Peace.

Todo va a ir bien

“No tengas miedo…Todo va a ir bien!”

Me agarrei em suas palavras e, sorrindo, me atirei de mais um precipício. Sem enxergar e sabendo que o que me empurrava era eu mesma. Criei mil coisas para me convencer de que mudar, era a melhor opção. Boa atriz que sou, acreditei fortemente em minhas próprias criações e saltei. Outra vez. A terceira vez.

Mudar é uma mutilação interna e eu tenho me mutilado há dois anos. Terceiro idioma e penso que meu cérebro em algum momento vai desligar. Ainda é muito cedo para falar sobre alegrias e tristezas. Á primeira vista tudo é belo e parece eterno. Como o amor. A convivência diária é que mostra se ali há vida ou não. Essa tal de convivência, dependendo, pode matar qualquer sentimento e forma de amar.

Madrid tanto fez que me ganhou. Jogou baixo com Londres quando colocou sua luz e seu calor em questão. Latina eu. Rendi-me facilmente e, não querendo estragar meus sentimentos por Londres, preferi me retirar. Me mutilar. Pareceu mais sensato. Confesso não imaginava que sentiria tamanho impacto.

Fechei os olhos e as malas. Guardei o que coube e desapeguei. Calei o coração e fiquei surda diante de gritos e conselhos. Não quis ver as lágrimas e nem permiti que elas escorressem. Fingi tranquilidade quando internamente estava um turbilhão de emoção. Eu desejei mil abraços e mais ainda, desejei que alguém tivesse tomado a decisão por mim. Porque assumir certas responsabilidades pesam o dobro das minhas malas.

“Mas a menina-mulher- gosta de mudança!”

Ah! Isso eu gosto mesmo. O lado cigano aplaude e surge quando tudo fica cinza e igual. O gosto pelo desafio, pelo tudo novo de novo, ainda que preguiçoso. Sentir-se em xeque e obrigada a se reinventar. O que essa mulher-menina- não sabe, ainda, é lidar com o tamanho dessa asa que ela possui. Arrumar a bagunça do quarto e da alma sem dor, sem perguntas. Organizar o que é realidade e ilusão. Simplesmente ser e viver. Aceitar que, tudo isso, no fundo, é o que vale em sua vida. Nesse momento.

Porque todo va a ir bien…

Suas palavras…Elas que foram tão exatas quando eu precisei, são meu pequeno mantra diário do bem… E quando parecer arrependimento eu saberei que é só saudades!

Enquanto eu quiser…Só enquanto eu quiser.

Hola Madrid…Que seja leve e que tenha Paz.

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Passou

Talvez o Sol tenha demorado demais e eu fiquei branca por muito tempo. Talvez por ser primavera- quase verão- e a temperatura ser a mesma do Brasil onde é inverno nesse momento. Talvez pelo cinza, pela correria ou a falta de tempo. Talvez por tudo isso ou simplesmente nada disso. Pouco importa na hora da decisão e depois de tomada.

Talvez nada Londres. Meu amor por você continua mas, algo me levou de você. Passou. Nosso ciclo, este ciclo. Nossos dias, nossas brigas, nossos sorrisos. Passaram. Minhas descobertas, meu amadurecimento e o sonho…O sonho amargou, secou, cansou junto com o corpo. Sem saber muito o que fazer, resolvi seguir o conselho mais clássico de todos: escute seu coração! Seja lá o que isso signifique- porque honestamente, racionalmente dizendo, meu órgão que pulsa não fala é nada. Nem o seu.

Mas que bobagem e que chatice ser racional nessa vida. Bom mesmo é ser emotiva! Que bom! Viva! Escuto o coração que fala, que pulsa, que sente, que vibra e é cigano! O meu? Demais! Escutá-lo talvez- mais uma vez- possa ser um erro. Mas, não havendo erros e acertos em tais circunstâncias então: um salve para a nova escolha que chegou e já passou, assim que foi definida.

Outro dia, no restaurante onde trabalho, um colega me disse: “Você é artista e esse lugar não te pertence, não é para você.” Na hora pensei: eu sei, é apenas uma passagem. Não me saiu da cabeça essa frase, esse sentimento. Há quase dois anos que saí de casa em busca de um sonho que era tão certeiro, de repente tornou-se outra coisa. Tantas outras coisas e o sonho, sempre lembrado claro, ficou ali no canto. Faltava tempo.

Tem quase três meses que cheguei de férias e, já me parece 5 anos…De novo. Eu adoro sua intensidade, cidade maluca, mas está pesada demais.

Exausta é a palavra que me define atualmente. E quando chegamos a esse nível precisamos sair. Passar pela porta. Pela fronteira. Mais uma vez. Para renovar o amor, pra dar mais cor e ficar morena. Não quero verão pela metade e nem dores no corpo. Não quero ausência das minhas palavras escritas e nem distância dos meus livros. Quero mais vida. Mais ar. Mais segundos sentidos.

Conselho do tal coração, aquele órgão que pulsa. Cigano. Enjoou e quer mais. Tudo novo de novo.

E se tudo no final das contas passa, inclusive nós, o que temos a perder diante de oportunidades ainda que cegas? Planejar para que, se talvez tudo esteja traçado mesmo. Ou não. Mas eu me respeito e o tal do coração. Porque nessa nova passagem eu quero estar bem presente.

My Dear Sun

My dear sun
I’m waiting for you
My dear sun
When do you come to dance for me?

I felt the distance that twisted all the emotions, just don’t know anymore if what I dreamed is what has gone or has stayed.
Which dreams that one day brought me to you my darling, I must say everything is like this so distant from me.

Spring has arrived and you haven’t changed still so cold and grey.
I listen to the shoes walking through the sidewalks.
Your flowers will bloom and it will bring me back soon to the place one day my heart chose to be.

London, I want you so.

My dear sun
I’m waiting for you.
My dear sun
To love I will wait just for you.

15 months later…

It took me longer than I would like to put into words the feeling of 15 months later.

It will be difficult to speak of the different because the same is still here.

We still discuss the same things, in the same intonations and the same speeches. We use the same arguments for solutions and the same complaints. Now we believe more in God and in the spiritual, but also, we are tired of the same old ‘sameness’. Contradictory? No, just the same days of our lives. But dont worry, we still love each other.

The city is sadder- still noisy and crazy- but at least this year won a Christmas tree in the main park. You know, we citizens deserve a little hope, and these lights make us feel good. I’m glad the Mayor had thought about it this year. However, of course, none of this erases the current moment of our country. We are all – and I mean EVERYONE – in the same boat and the same crisis. My Brazil is down. I hope I can make him smile a little.

December continues to be the month that swallows us between Christmas and New Year. Emotions jump out of you, like clothes falling out of the suitcase. They seem to try to escape. And they jump like that, all at once, in despair. And when you realize you say what you should not, listen to what you did not want to, and smile at the end. Yeah, few things time really do not change it.

I have not yet met all the friends I would like, although I have declared myself to each one. I still have not eaten everything I wanted but my bed hugged me like if I was still a child. My room, thanks God, remains the best place in the world. And my dogs? Ah! Dear Ones! These do make me feel at home every day! Dogs never forget you.

The heat has not changed, either! Too hot, but I do not complain, because the Queen’s land is too cold and here the Latin skin recognizes itself a little bit more. Welcome home, Amanda! 40 C!

The streets are the same, but the security’s hair is different. He is more modern, I like it! I recognized good ways and saw new restaurants around. The chats of some friends are very mature: they talk about marriage and school for their children. Fear! But there are still those with whom we drink wine and laugh at our delicious lack of maturity when we remember a few months back.

I love my diversity.

I must confess I expected changes. I was hoping for some evolution, perhaps. But the truth is that the biggest change is me. So much remains the same or indifferent because Im looking from another side. Not in the bad sense. But I grew up. Like a giant. I know this place will always be mine. Parent’s house is untouchable, including the bedroom. But internally there is anything that does not fit.

I got off those conversations. I got off the streets. I got off the couch. I do not know anything else about what’s on TV or about the new songs. It’s my house but, at the same time, its just one more place in Earth. And that’s fine. It is light to know that this refuge will always be here for me. Family feelings. Comfort. Love.

15 months really got me out of the place. And really made me a new person.
I hope they understand if I fail to meet certain expectations and joys. If, on a case, I smile less and prefer to isolate myself. But it is that meet my expectations is already too difficult. And staying at home, doing nothing, sometimes, is all what I want and need.

I will be back on time

I will remember all that lemonades.
How did I mess up the table and you just smiled.
I will remember your sweet voice singing and telling me “dont worry everything is gonna be all right.”

Do you want to see a woman become a girl just wait her to fall in love. Your 23 turned my 30 around and colored my sky when I needed it the most.
I know you have a girl and I have the world. This freedom makes me starving for love. I know my place so I let my silence speaks. You have the eyes that changes my mind, please, believe.

Two differents worlds becomes only one when the same song beats over and over again. Hours flying through our days and saying good bye to you, again, couldn’t be worst.
What it mean to be it mean to be. Its better like this, live the life and let it be. No tears, no regrets. Beautiful memories, good times, I will miss you.

I dont want you away from me but this is more than I can wish. But if someday you say that you are in, I promise, I will be back on time.

Yes, I will be back on time.

🙂

The butterflies

It’s hard to deal with all those butterflies in the stomach. It is strange to live this mixture of joy and fear. Some moments I think I’m ready and safe, others just one look and one request and I change everything again.

After long 15 months- which easily were like 5 intense years- I can say that I exceeded expectations that were not in the ‘luggage’. Some will come with me, for they have become good lessons worthy of sharing with the world. Others, I threw it around the corner. Gone with the wind. Recycled. It made me lighter.

On the last day of work in the restaurant- 10 hours shift- I did not feel pain or tiredness. I missed it already. I missed the repeated songs we never got tired of and the little snacks we used to have hidden in the kitchen. The moments Of cigarette leaks – who smokes- and smiles disguising a problem. Our tricks to escape the heavy and the confidence between each other to be less tiring. And how this routine changed my life.

Observing, I remembered what slipped through my hands and what I simply gave up. How it hurt to deal with consequences of own choices and, at the same time, how satisfying it was. My passion for autumn became even greater, but winter showed me a side that I did not need to know. The excess cold saddens and ages. I need light. I need colors.

I found myself fat, before the mirror, and then thinner. Now I’ve grown fat again. But I’ve always seen a woman. Something I could not see before. I criticized myself and admired myself. I faced my frailties. The human frailties we all have. As we need attention, we are devoid of voices, of presence, of care. This kind of independence, “leave me alone ‘cause I know how to live alone”, is not that simple, no matter how old you are. We know how, of course we do. But it is not always nice. In my case, I discovered that is almost never. Although I did very well on the mission.

In this emptiness of emotion and search for comfort, I surrendered myself. When I surrendered, I fell in love. I’m not sure what I got back, but it made me feel good. Still do. I made friends for a lifetime. I  felt too old and too young. Courageous and the owner of the world. Tracing new paths, but willing to stay. Not to leave. Just a look. Just a request.

Hard to leave now. Hard to break and “lose”. Afraid to let change one more time. Joy mixed with sadness. The bags. Everything that fits and what will remain. Physical and emotional. Something always stays, to make us come back. And even if that’s true, crossing the ocean is not light. It seems we are crossing Narnia and its enchanted world. More or less, by the way. I will leave the cold of the Queen’s land for my São Paulo. Another mayor. Summer. No car. Not that bad. Married friends, kids, a few who have also changed places. A country trying to recover from politics and disasters. It’s mine. But I think I’ve forgotten the streets. And the feeling of belonging to ‘the space’ I think I lost. Or it’s stored in some corner of the chest.

I grew up. Oh, I did! I learned how to save money and go straight through the shop windows. Buying only the necessary (almost nothing, I realized that we can live with much less). I traveled! Because that’s the best money spent! I had lap and hugs from friends and I missed my parents, a need of them that is almost childish. And I’m already 30 (yes, I ignore the other ‘one’)! And when you survived such a feeling…Yes, you grow!

When I least expected it, I adapted. Today, I call home what once seemed a punishment. And it’s not just London, it’s the inside. I’m at home, because I’m fine with myself. The more European I feel, the more Latin I realize that I am. This blood and heat from the veins will not change. There is no citizenship that changes who you are and where you come from. The magic is you know how to adapt, see the good and allow yourself to live intensely. Being an immigrant is not easy, dealing with differences and having to face cultural barriers even less. But life demands change, it is more than our yard. My need was more and I respected the inner request. It passed quickly. Look at Christmas and I, here again. But now I know who I am and where I am. Glad we changed. Worth it.

In this second I cannot wait to get in Brazil. But the butterflies do not leave me unharmed. I do not know if I want to pack, maybe just board. Let life happen. As it will be. Just one thought as I write: 7 days. One week. And everything will be new again. For a month, two, until I come back and here, start over. But then, it will be another season.

London, you look beautiful and I love when you look at me like that.

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Back Home

When I left Brazil, a year ago, I had the feeling that part of my heart was staying there. Maybe the full heart. In the beginning of this adventure I fell myself lost, I was much more in South America than in Europe. I thought I would neve feel home here, in this side of the ocean.

People used to say that “home” is where your heart is. Well, if its so, my home is Brisbane-in Australia- and Rio de Janeiro, the two only places in the world that makes me feel confortable, no matter what. But this is just a “saying”, not a rule. The true is that my heart wasn’t here at all.

As time goes by you start to belong to the city, in somehow. You create a life, a routine and you start to feel yourself more. Physically, as well. It happened to me.

I left London for summer holidays, went to Spain and Portugal, and talking with a friend about this I said: “Now I dont feel that my heart is in Brazil anymore, “he” is pretty much here, not necessarily in London, he is just here, loose in the world. “

That is how I feel today. So my friend answered me:
“Its better like this, right? It means you can live anywhere. Your home might be everywhere!”

Perhaps he is right. Perhaps is just a feeling that may dissapear or, perhaps my heart finally crossed the ocean. Finally. And because he did I feel complete.

I missed you London. I missed you everyday. I missed the voices of my friends around me, I missed the woman Im when Im here, I missed all your museums and theatres. I just missed. Yes, you are already getting me crazy but, I need to give you a chance because I need to give a chance for me to live you better.

I was lost, but we only know that we love when we leave…Cliche? Of course, but which reality isn’t it?

My heart call you home and ran after you quickly. I dont know for how long, but for now you are my home. You are where my heart is. And Im fine. Im back home.

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To the Sea

A year ago I sat in front of you without a voice to describe what I was feeling. Your waves read my silence. I put my feet to kiss you, ask for your blessing and permission to cross you.

I cried because I knew how much would miss you. But I had to follow. I crossed  and I went to live in one of the most beautiful and colorful landscape- Firenze. Shortly after, I fell in the middle of buildings and noises-.London.

Between the cold and the flowers, I never wanted someone so much as I wanted you. I counted the days to the sun and for the summer. For the holidays and for the day I would ne free to go after you. If I need to quit or run out of money, no longer mattered. To run away was what I needed.

So we met. We smiled. My feet kissing your lips again. Feeling you as before. Tweenty days ago. The same ocean. The same Atlantic. A new woman, and this time, on this side. Eight thousand kilometers, what have you got to tell me these coldest and European waves.

I know. I know all that I wish and I pray to you. All I do not want and I throw into you. For your depths, all the tears that hurt and sorrow. For me, your salt that cleans. Your good energy. My God! As I needed!

It may sound corny and even ridiculous, but when you are in the cold and in the dark for months, meeting with the sea- which to me is life-becomes essential as the air we breathe.

Life. This is it. I needed to feel that I am. Alive.

Thank you. For allowing me to cross all those kilometers, thank you. For opening the way for me. For making me vibrate. It was just what I needed to be reborn. Sun and sea.

Here I say goodbye again. The same tears and the same desires. The miss but renewal. We see you soon, next summer. But over there, that side, where it all began.

To Portugal, for those beautiful days, all my love. And to the Sea all my respect and my heart.

With your blessing nothing is in vain.

Ao Mar

Há um ano eu sentava de frente para você sem voz para descrever o que sentia. Suas ondas leram meu silêncio. Coloquei meus pés para você beijar, pedi sua benção e licença para te atravessar.

Chorei, pois eu sabia a saudades que eu sentiria. Mas eu precisava seguir. Atravessei e fui morar em uma das paisagens mais lindas e coloridas- Firenze. Pouco depois, caí em meio a prédios e buzinas- Londres.

Entre o frio e as flores, nunca desejei tanto alguém, como desejei você. Contei os dias para o Sol e para o verão. Para as férias e o dia em que eu meu libertaria para ir ao seu encontro. Se eu precisaria pedir demissão ou ficar sem dinheiro, já não importava. Sair dali era o que eu precisava.

Então nos vimos. Sorrimos. Meus pés de encontro aos seus lábios, mais uma vez. Sentir você como antes. Há 2o dias nos reencontramos. O mesmo oceano. O mesmo Atlântico. Uma nova mulher e, dessa vez, do lado de cá. Oito mil kilometros, o que será que tens para me contar nessas ondas mais geladas e europeias.

Eu sei. Eu sei tudo o que eu desejo e peço à você. Tudo o que eu não quero e jogo para dentro de você. Para suas profundezas todas as lágrimas que machucam e tristezas. Para mim, seu sal que descarrega e lava. Suas boas energias. Meu Deus! Como eu precisava!

Pode parecer piegas e até ridículo, mas quando encontra-se no frio e no escuro por meses, o encontro com o mar- que para mim representa vida- torna-se essencial como o ar que se respira.

Vida. É isso. Precisava sentir que estou. Viva.

Obrigada. Por ter permitido que eu travessasse todos esses kilômetros, obrigada. Por ter aberto os caminhos para mim. Por me fazer vibrar. Era só o que eu precisava para renascer. Sol e Mar.

Aqui despeço-me mais uma vez. As mesmas lágrimas e os mesmos desejos. A saudades mas, a renovação. Nos veremos em breve, no próximo verão. Daquele lado de lá, onde tudo começou.

Á Portugal, pelos dias lindos, todo o meu amor. E ao Mar meu respeito e meu coração.

A sua benção e nada é em vão.

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