Tag: MissYou

Back Home

When I left Brazil, a year ago, I had the feeling that part of my heart was staying there. Maybe the full heart. In the beginning of this adventure I fell myself lost, I was much more in South America than in Europe. I thought I would neve feel home here, in this side of the ocean.

People used to say that “home” is where your heart is. Well, if its so, my home is Brisbane-in Australia- and Rio de Janeiro, the two only places in the world that makes me feel confortable, no matter what. But this is just a “saying”, not a rule. The true is that my heart wasn’t here at all.

As time goes by you start to belong to the city, in somehow. You create a life, a routine and you start to feel yourself more. Physically, as well. It happened to me.

I left London for summer holidays, went to Spain and Portugal, and talking with a friend about this I said: “Now I dont feel that my heart is in Brazil anymore, “he” is pretty much here, not necessarily in London, he is just here, loose in the world. “

That is how I feel today. So my friend answered me:
“Its better like this, right? It means you can live anywhere. Your home might be everywhere!”

Perhaps he is right. Perhaps is just a feeling that may dissapear or, perhaps my heart finally crossed the ocean. Finally. And because he did I feel complete.

I missed you London. I missed you everyday. I missed the voices of my friends around me, I missed the woman Im when Im here, I missed all your museums and theatres. I just missed. Yes, you are already getting me crazy but, I need to give you a chance because I need to give a chance for me to live you better.

I was lost, but we only know that we love when we leave…Cliche? Of course, but which reality isn’t it?

My heart call you home and ran after you quickly. I dont know for how long, but for now you are my home. You are where my heart is. And Im fine. Im back home.

Exibindo foto.JPG

Next Time

Next time

I will do not cross our eyes, will not ask where they are from and I wont get interested about ages.I will do my job and I will ignore all voices around. I will skip conversations, not share smiles or tears and much less secrets. Feelings never ever! Yes, next time.

Next time I will not ask about family or how was the day. I will not want to know if are they happy or sad or if they need anything. Also, I will not offer my help anymore. No. Next time I will be alone and wont look to the sides.

Next time

I will not accept the invitation for pizza or mojitos. I will not be until the early hours laughing and neither will have dinner at the chinese restaurant, to eat whatever it is. Next time there will be no high heels to become more beautiful, nor will I make new plans, because I wont make new friends.

I will do not bother anybody with joy and not ask for any advice. I won’t ‘give myself’ to anyone or give any space. No entry, fragile heart. Next time I will keep save emotions and feelings.

Next time

Yes. I will be like this and also an empty person. If I had avoided all of these things in the beggining, I would not have shared the laughter nor the craziness. Wouldn’t have lived their twenties with the ideal maturity of my thirty. Yes. I would have missed the hugs and the ‘good mornings eyes’. Fifteen hours at work sustained by good mood because there were friends.

I wouldn’t be feeling what am I feeling at this moment, the mixture of love and ‘saudades’- missing. I would not have the exchange of thoughts and languages. I wouldn’t even be able to write this text, because there would be no words to share, since there would be no feelings.

When it arrives to thirty you think you have control over everything and it will no longer suffer. Friends? Going away? Vacation? C’mon! This does not affect me anymore.

I wish…

The ‘punches in the stomach of the goodbye’ worth when we know that there will be a new hello. Sooner or later. At their border or mine. The circle of life. Because memories are forever. It becomes art, books, short stories at the dinner table. The pleasures of our days, whatever the age is. I do not want to avoid life, I pay the price. I am grateful to be able to “feel”.

Then, its better to say: hasta mañana, hasta la vista, ci veddiamo, até logo, see you later. Next time.

The Time Of My Life

Eleven years ago she opened the door of her house and said:

“Welcome to Australia!”

It was the first time I was traveling alone and would live away from my family. I had a mixture of emotions inside me. I wanted to cry and smile. I remember like it was yesterday. In fact, I can see it now, in front of me. I can hear her voice and feel exactly what I fel that day.

She hugged me and made me feel confortable. She put me in her life and in her family. She took care of me like a mother and daughter. I had Christmas present, birthday cake and the best dinners. She saw me grow for a year. But more than that, she made me feel at home. I was home.

When she drove me to the airport in the day of my return to Brazil, she looked into my eyes and asked:

“Why are not you happy? You are going to see your family, you are going home!”

“I know…but this is my home, I dont want to leave…”

Then she said that the world was too big and I was too young so I would have many places to travel and I could come back to Aussie anytime I wanted. Once and again she comforted me. Once and again she was right.

Since then I have thrown myself in different places and adventures. My gypsy heart does not stop and dreams deserve to come true. While I have feet I will cross all borders. But the true is the more I travel, the more I know Australia is my place. My soul belongs to there. It doesnt matter how long time has passed, it will always be my shelter and I can always come back.

Her hug, she may not know that, just gave this feeling to me and Im really thankful.

Eleven years ago she hugged a girl 20 years old, scared and excited at the same time with the days to come. Eleven years later she hugged a woman 31 years old, more mature but with the same dreams and shinning eyes.

Meet her here in London, at this moment, just prove to me that love and family survive to distance and time.

And our memories together, while talking having a cruise in Thames River, came to remind me that time was the time of my life!

🙂

Helena and I London

Just Breath

Você dizia que não estava preparado para visitar o Brasil novamente, em tão pouco tempo. Eu sabia que eu não estava preparada para me despedir de você, mais uma vez, em tão pouco tempo.

E dessa vez com a geografia ao contrário.

“Me ajuda que eu terei que lidar com isso, Amêndoa!”

“Me too, Darling…”

Vir para Londres e te encontrar foi a recarga da minha bateria para continuar esse meu mundo novo. Fugir para o Brasil seria um erro nesse momento. Mas eu precisava de uma sensação de ‘casa’ e, foi você quem me deu isso. Dentro do meu sonho de viver a Inglaterra, nesse começo, seu abrigo foi essencial.

Mas dez dias parecem não ter sido o suficiente. Tempo nenhum teria sido, quando deseja-se atrasar a realidade dos próximos passos e, simplesmente, curtir as horas.

As Horas. É só uma viagem. É o meu começo de tudo.

Quem vai cozinhar para mim durante esses meses? Penso que posso emagrecer por conta disso. Ou quem dividirá os chocolates e as risadas, enquanto me convence de que “sim, tudo dará tempo e dará certo!”

Há 5 meses nos despedíamos em SP. Você voltava para cá e eu, ainda contava os dias para a Italia. Hoje, como em um passe de mágica, fui eu quem voltou sozinha pelo metro ingles, enrolada em cachecol. E você descerá no nosso calor de 40 graus. Alguma coisa está do avesso. Mas está tudo normal.

Dizem que eu tenho dificuldade em me despedir das pessoas, por ser filha de um divórcio. De fato, separação nunca foi meu forte. “Freud explica”, é o que falam.

Và Bene. Mas essa é uma explicação muito vazia e cômoda. Eu sei exatamente o que sou e minhas reações e, essa sou eu. Latina/Italiana, acima de tudo. Viva o drama!

Viva o crescimento da vida real.

O fato mesmo é que eu simplesmente detesto essas provas práticas da vida, assim, de surpresa, sem tempo para estudarmos ou fugirmos para a enfermaria. A situação é essa agora, vire-se!

Eu ficarei bem, como sempre fiquei. Mas a porta do meu mundo real foi aberta de vez. Minha referência está a uns 10 mil km. E Londres está bem aqui na minha janela.

Minha bateria carregada terá que funcionar em modo avião, para durar mais tempo.

Há dez dias eu matava o que estava me matando. Hoje, é o que me empurra.

Estou bebendo o que sobrou do vinho de ontem. Mas prometo deixar uma parte do seu brioche.

E eu espero que você volte. Assim como espero que Londres me acolha com amor.

Nesse momento há muita coisa acontecendo aqui dentro.

E uma ventania gritando lá fora.

Sozinha depois de tanto tempo.

Uma luz ficará acessa, com certeza. Eu já estou com saudades de você.

Just Breath…

Desenvolvido em WordPress & Tema por Anders Norén