I do not want to talk about the changes and the ‘sameness’ of the past two months ‘at home’.
For more than a month without writing, I have tried to understand what I became before my thoughts and dreams. I’ve been looking for news to get the words out and apart from cliches. It does not work like that.
I won’t deny that I planned these holidays more than prolonged. I, who hate planning, came to the Brazilian summer full of expectations. I have forgotten, for many moments, that expectation can spoil and offend. And until I could understand what was going on, inside and out, a month had passed.
Completely inside out what I imagined it would be, I juggled my emotions.
Since accept that it is okay to wake up at 11am on the morning for many days – after all, I’m on vacation – until realize that people are not avaiable as we would like, even if they said so. And why would they be? I am the person on vacation and doing nothing, enjoying the sun. The others are leading their lives. They have schedules, jobs, children, routines.
But not an effort on Saturdays?
I got more rain than sun. I forgot about this detail too. That January may be rainy but, damn it! Just because is my summer vacation this January had to be the rainiest of the last 68 years? And London, in turn, despite the cold, had a certain sun. It had light! All wrong!
The hassle of staying at home or on the street, alone and in the rain, is that the mind works too hard. And I wanted her vacation too because when it starts working on the Aquarian spirit … God, I wanted to go back much sooner than I thought. I do not know if I miss London or the woman I am there. If it’s my friends or the opportunities. Or if it is simply missing and that is it.
In one of those screams of “I want to go back now!” I heard from a friend on the other side that: “you’ll come back here anyway so, enjoy what you have there, the sun will come back!” He was right!
The sun came back and I saw in the smile of my niece, every time she sees me, the greatest joy of being here. In the tail of my dogs wagging what is free love. In my huge bed that I love and in my blue wall where are all my dreams and secrets. The corners of the world where I still want to go and the familiar places that call me daily.
My family, which was the greatest expectation, despite the emotional disagreements, continues my family!
In fact, nothing has changed. I’ve changed. I waited, I wished, I frustrated, I loved. I have lived. What had to be lived here, the way it had to be and that matured me a little bit more. That extended the mind a little bit more and opened my true values.
I needed to conform myself that a few people I will see less and my beloved paradise, Rio de Janeiro, will be for a next time. But the Atlantic I met again, as promised! Because it will open up for me on my return.
This return will happen in 20 days. And I must confess, Im couting the days.