Tag: Summer

Couting the days

I do not want to talk about the changes and the ‘sameness’ of the past two months ‘at home’.
For more than a month without writing, I have tried to understand what I became before my thoughts and dreams. I’ve been looking for news to get the words out and apart from cliches. It does not work like that.

I won’t deny that I planned these holidays more than prolonged. I, who hate planning, came to the Brazilian summer full of expectations. I have forgotten, for many moments, that expectation can spoil and offend. And until I could understand what was going on, inside and out, a month had passed.
Completely inside out what I imagined it would be, I juggled my emotions.

Since accept that it is okay to wake up at 11am on the morning for many days – after all, I’m on vacation – until realize that people are not avaiable as we would like, even if they said so. And why would they be? I am the person on vacation and doing nothing, enjoying the sun. The others are leading their lives. They have schedules, jobs, children, routines.

But not an effort on Saturdays?

Expectations.

I got more rain than sun. I forgot about this detail too. That January may be rainy but, damn it! Just because is my summer vacation this January had to be the rainiest of the last 68 years? And London, in turn, despite the cold, had a certain sun. It had light! All wrong!

The hassle of staying at home or on the street, alone and in the rain, is that the mind works too hard. And I wanted her vacation too because when it starts working on the Aquarian spirit … God, I wanted to go back much sooner than I thought. I do not know if I miss London or the woman I am there. If it’s my friends or the opportunities. Or if it is simply missing and that is it.

In one of those screams of “I want to go back now!” I heard from a friend on the other side that: “you’ll come back here anyway so, enjoy what you have there, the sun will come back!” He was right!

The sun came back and I saw in the smile of my niece, every time she sees me, the greatest joy of being here. In the tail of my dogs wagging what is free love. In my huge bed that I love and in my blue wall where are all my dreams and secrets. The corners of the world where I still want to go and the familiar places that call me daily.

My family, which was the greatest expectation, despite the emotional disagreements, continues my family!

In fact, nothing has changed. I’ve changed. I waited, I wished, I frustrated, I loved. I have lived. What had to be lived here, the way it had to be and that matured me a little bit more. That extended the mind a little bit more and opened my true values.

I needed to conform myself that a few people I will see less and my beloved paradise, Rio de Janeiro, will be for a next time. But the Atlantic I met again, as promised! Because it will open up for me on my return.

This return will happen in 20 days. And I must confess, Im couting the days.

15 months later…

It took me longer than I would like to put into words the feeling of 15 months later.

It will be difficult to speak of the different because the same is still here.

We still discuss the same things, in the same intonations and the same speeches. We use the same arguments for solutions and the same complaints. Now we believe more in God and in the spiritual, but also, we are tired of the same old ‘sameness’. Contradictory? No, just the same days of our lives. But dont worry, we still love each other.

The city is sadder- still noisy and crazy- but at least this year won a Christmas tree in the main park. You know, we citizens deserve a little hope, and these lights make us feel good. I’m glad the Mayor had thought about it this year. However, of course, none of this erases the current moment of our country. We are all – and I mean EVERYONE – in the same boat and the same crisis. My Brazil is down. I hope I can make him smile a little.

December continues to be the month that swallows us between Christmas and New Year. Emotions jump out of you, like clothes falling out of the suitcase. They seem to try to escape. And they jump like that, all at once, in despair. And when you realize you say what you should not, listen to what you did not want to, and smile at the end. Yeah, few things time really do not change it.

I have not yet met all the friends I would like, although I have declared myself to each one. I still have not eaten everything I wanted but my bed hugged me like if I was still a child. My room, thanks God, remains the best place in the world. And my dogs? Ah! Dear Ones! These do make me feel at home every day! Dogs never forget you.

The heat has not changed, either! Too hot, but I do not complain, because the Queen’s land is too cold and here the Latin skin recognizes itself a little bit more. Welcome home, Amanda! 40 C!

The streets are the same, but the security’s hair is different. He is more modern, I like it! I recognized good ways and saw new restaurants around. The chats of some friends are very mature: they talk about marriage and school for their children. Fear! But there are still those with whom we drink wine and laugh at our delicious lack of maturity when we remember a few months back.

I love my diversity.

I must confess I expected changes. I was hoping for some evolution, perhaps. But the truth is that the biggest change is me. So much remains the same or indifferent because Im looking from another side. Not in the bad sense. But I grew up. Like a giant. I know this place will always be mine. Parent’s house is untouchable, including the bedroom. But internally there is anything that does not fit.

I got off those conversations. I got off the streets. I got off the couch. I do not know anything else about what’s on TV or about the new songs. It’s my house but, at the same time, its just one more place in Earth. And that’s fine. It is light to know that this refuge will always be here for me. Family feelings. Comfort. Love.

15 months really got me out of the place. And really made me a new person.
I hope they understand if I fail to meet certain expectations and joys. If, on a case, I smile less and prefer to isolate myself. But it is that meet my expectations is already too difficult. And staying at home, doing nothing, sometimes, is all what I want and need.

I will be back on time

I will remember all that lemonades.
How did I mess up the table and you just smiled.
I will remember your sweet voice singing and telling me “dont worry everything is gonna be all right.”

Do you want to see a woman become a girl just wait her to fall in love. Your 23 turned my 30 around and colored my sky when I needed it the most.
I know you have a girl and I have the world. This freedom makes me starving for love. I know my place so I let my silence speaks. You have the eyes that changes my mind, please, believe.

Two differents worlds becomes only one when the same song beats over and over again. Hours flying through our days and saying good bye to you, again, couldn’t be worst.
What it mean to be it mean to be. Its better like this, live the life and let it be. No tears, no regrets. Beautiful memories, good times, I will miss you.

I dont want you away from me but this is more than I can wish. But if someday you say that you are in, I promise, I will be back on time.

Yes, I will be back on time.

🙂

To the Sea

A year ago I sat in front of you without a voice to describe what I was feeling. Your waves read my silence. I put my feet to kiss you, ask for your blessing and permission to cross you.

I cried because I knew how much would miss you. But I had to follow. I crossed  and I went to live in one of the most beautiful and colorful landscape- Firenze. Shortly after, I fell in the middle of buildings and noises-.London.

Between the cold and the flowers, I never wanted someone so much as I wanted you. I counted the days to the sun and for the summer. For the holidays and for the day I would ne free to go after you. If I need to quit or run out of money, no longer mattered. To run away was what I needed.

So we met. We smiled. My feet kissing your lips again. Feeling you as before. Tweenty days ago. The same ocean. The same Atlantic. A new woman, and this time, on this side. Eight thousand kilometers, what have you got to tell me these coldest and European waves.

I know. I know all that I wish and I pray to you. All I do not want and I throw into you. For your depths, all the tears that hurt and sorrow. For me, your salt that cleans. Your good energy. My God! As I needed!

It may sound corny and even ridiculous, but when you are in the cold and in the dark for months, meeting with the sea- which to me is life-becomes essential as the air we breathe.

Life. This is it. I needed to feel that I am. Alive.

Thank you. For allowing me to cross all those kilometers, thank you. For opening the way for me. For making me vibrate. It was just what I needed to be reborn. Sun and sea.

Here I say goodbye again. The same tears and the same desires. The miss but renewal. We see you soon, next summer. But over there, that side, where it all began.

To Portugal, for those beautiful days, all my love. And to the Sea all my respect and my heart.

With your blessing nothing is in vain.

Ao Mar

Há um ano eu sentava de frente para você sem voz para descrever o que sentia. Suas ondas leram meu silêncio. Coloquei meus pés para você beijar, pedi sua benção e licença para te atravessar.

Chorei, pois eu sabia a saudades que eu sentiria. Mas eu precisava seguir. Atravessei e fui morar em uma das paisagens mais lindas e coloridas- Firenze. Pouco depois, caí em meio a prédios e buzinas- Londres.

Entre o frio e as flores, nunca desejei tanto alguém, como desejei você. Contei os dias para o Sol e para o verão. Para as férias e o dia em que eu meu libertaria para ir ao seu encontro. Se eu precisaria pedir demissão ou ficar sem dinheiro, já não importava. Sair dali era o que eu precisava.

Então nos vimos. Sorrimos. Meus pés de encontro aos seus lábios, mais uma vez. Sentir você como antes. Há 2o dias nos reencontramos. O mesmo oceano. O mesmo Atlântico. Uma nova mulher e, dessa vez, do lado de cá. Oito mil kilometros, o que será que tens para me contar nessas ondas mais geladas e europeias.

Eu sei. Eu sei tudo o que eu desejo e peço à você. Tudo o que eu não quero e jogo para dentro de você. Para suas profundezas todas as lágrimas que machucam e tristezas. Para mim, seu sal que descarrega e lava. Suas boas energias. Meu Deus! Como eu precisava!

Pode parecer piegas e até ridículo, mas quando encontra-se no frio e no escuro por meses, o encontro com o mar- que para mim representa vida- torna-se essencial como o ar que se respira.

Vida. É isso. Precisava sentir que estou. Viva.

Obrigada. Por ter permitido que eu travessasse todos esses kilômetros, obrigada. Por ter aberto os caminhos para mim. Por me fazer vibrar. Era só o que eu precisava para renascer. Sol e Mar.

Aqui despeço-me mais uma vez. As mesmas lágrimas e os mesmos desejos. A saudades mas, a renovação. Nos veremos em breve, no próximo verão. Daquele lado de lá, onde tudo começou.

Á Portugal, pelos dias lindos, todo o meu amor. E ao Mar meu respeito e meu coração.

A sua benção e nada é em vão.

One Love: Portugal

Some people do not understand my love for Portugal. Whenever I comment about it, I hear it’s more of a third world country, the “bad” part of Europe where there is nothing.

Recently I heard: “Lisbon seems to Sé Square in SP.” In critical tone. Well, but it is clear the downtown of SP has plenty of Lisbon after all, they-the portugueses- colonized our country. In fact, the similarities go beyond the Sé Square. We see a lot of Portugal every bit of our Brazil.

But the truth is that Lisbon is much more than similarities with our country and Portugal is much more than Lisbon. From Porto to Algarve you eat very well, you love intensely and you have one of the most beautiful sights in the world.

I woukd like to write something more intense and profound about Portugal that I love so much abd do not get tired of visiting. But every time I think of this place, I think the words of Fernando Pessoa in his poem ‘Sea Portuguese’ (Mar Portugues). Nothing defines better this land than the expressions of Pessoa.

So, to not fill this text with cheap words, I ask permission of Pessoa and make his feelings as mine. Everything is worthwhile if the soul is not small!

Yes! And every day that passes I am more sure about this wherever you are. There is always something good and positive in every corner and every day, even in those when you think, ‘I should not have woke up today … “

Yes, you should! The universe need us! Make it all worth it feeds the soul and makes it bigger.

Thank you Lord for this small and friendly piece of land that one day, colonized one of the largest territorie. And despite all problems and defects, left us in good culture, good food and it allowed us to be someone.

Thank you for Portugal that make me feel home.

Life get more fun when we move

“Have you ever noticed that everything you want you always get it?”
So did say my therapist before I leave to Italy. It would be too much to agree with these words, but they are true. Not because ‘its me’ But because we all can get whatever we want.
When we believe The Universe show us the way and The signs. Whether at the “same hours” or The unexpected messages.
Everyone knows What kind of choice and pain has to deal with it. On this journey I was called spoiled, depressive and even child. Judging is easy, But sending me money or clean The floor for me no one did. I Know me and The tears in my friends eyes, as well as Their Lovely words, proved even more Who am I.
As I discovered myself, I realised that the one Who seems to Know you very well, do not Know that much; And that one you just met is The one who reached out his hand.
In those 11 months I regret not having stayed longer in Italy and also not coming back to my friend’s wedding. But I wouldn’t changed this experience in London for nothing. The City that has matured me in pain and love. Yes, London showed me a new love and therefore, ‘she’ will have me as longer as ‘she’ need.
Our differences of colors and tastes tortures us, I Know. But we Love each other and I will come back. Is just that, for this moment, I want Something that you Dont have: Sun.
Then, Im going to Love in Portuguese and Spanish for a while. Because I need, because I want to, because I Love and because life become more fun when we move.
Untill The next chapter.

A vida fica mais divertida quando nos movemos

“Você já reparou que tudo o que você quer você consegue?”
Assim falou minha terapeuta antes de eu embarcar para a Itália. Seria muita ousadia minha acreditar nessas palavras mas, elas são verdadeiras. E não porque sou eu, mas porque todos somos capazes de conseguir o que queremos.
Quando acreditamos o Universo nos mostra o caminho e os sinais. Seja nas horas iguais ou mensagens inesperadas.
Cada um sabe o que vive e a dor que desgasta. Nessa minha jornada fui chamada de mimada, depressiva e até de criança. Julgar é fácil, me mandar dinheiro e vir limpar o chão pra mim ninguém fez. Mas eu sei de mim e, os olhos mareados e palavras carinhosas dos amigos provaram a pessoa que de fato sou.
Enquanto eu me descobria percebi que, quem parecia me conhecer muito na verdade, não conhece tanto assim; e quem eu havia acabado de conhecer, foi quem me estendeu a mão.
Nesses 11 meses longe eu me arrependo de não ter ficado mais tempo na Itália e de não ter voltado para o casamento da minha amiga. Mas não troco esse período em Londres por nada. A cidade que me amadureceu no grito, na porrada e no amor. Sim, Londres permitiu-me amar e, por isso, ela me terá enquanto precisar de mim.
Nossas diferenças de cores e gostos nos torturam, eu sei. Mas nos amamos e eu voltarei. É que nesse momento eu busco algo que você não pode me dar: O Sol.
Vou ali amar em português e espanhol, então, por um tempo. Porque eu preciso, porque eu quero, porque eu amo e porque a vida fica mais divertida quando nos movemos.
Até o próximo capítulo.

Next Time

Next time

I will do not cross our eyes, will not ask where they are from and I wont get interested about ages.I will do my job and I will ignore all voices around. I will skip conversations, not share smiles or tears and much less secrets. Feelings never ever! Yes, next time.

Next time I will not ask about family or how was the day. I will not want to know if are they happy or sad or if they need anything. Also, I will not offer my help anymore. No. Next time I will be alone and wont look to the sides.

Next time

I will not accept the invitation for pizza or mojitos. I will not be until the early hours laughing and neither will have dinner at the chinese restaurant, to eat whatever it is. Next time there will be no high heels to become more beautiful, nor will I make new plans, because I wont make new friends.

I will do not bother anybody with joy and not ask for any advice. I won’t ‘give myself’ to anyone or give any space. No entry, fragile heart. Next time I will keep save emotions and feelings.

Next time

Yes. I will be like this and also an empty person. If I had avoided all of these things in the beggining, I would not have shared the laughter nor the craziness. Wouldn’t have lived their twenties with the ideal maturity of my thirty. Yes. I would have missed the hugs and the ‘good mornings eyes’. Fifteen hours at work sustained by good mood because there were friends.

I wouldn’t be feeling what am I feeling at this moment, the mixture of love and ‘saudades’- missing. I would not have the exchange of thoughts and languages. I wouldn’t even be able to write this text, because there would be no words to share, since there would be no feelings.

When it arrives to thirty you think you have control over everything and it will no longer suffer. Friends? Going away? Vacation? C’mon! This does not affect me anymore.

I wish…

The ‘punches in the stomach of the goodbye’ worth when we know that there will be a new hello. Sooner or later. At their border or mine. The circle of life. Because memories are forever. It becomes art, books, short stories at the dinner table. The pleasures of our days, whatever the age is. I do not want to avoid life, I pay the price. I am grateful to be able to “feel”.

Then, its better to say: hasta mañana, hasta la vista, ci veddiamo, até logo, see you later. Next time.

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